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By: Michael Tao
During Bible times, marriages were predominantly arranged by the parents. There are no black and white instructions in the Bible telling us how to proceed with courtship; however, there are. Second Timothy 1:7 says, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind". A sound mind is a God honoring( Revelation 5;12,13), God fearing mind( Romans 3:18, Ephesians 5:21, 1 Peter 2:17), a vigilant and circumspect mind(1 Peter 5:8; Ephesians 5;15), which is able to exercise good spiritual judgment.
I would like to base my discussion of true love and dating on the first and the second greatest commandment taught by Christ. Matthew 22:37ff says, "...Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself". God has the top priority, we should not love anyone more than we love God. We do not love him with our mouth only, but wholeheartedly, in our thoughts and in our actions. We also love our friends that we think and work no evil towards them, and we should not be a stumbling block for them.
If we say we know God and we love God, then let us see what God thinks about purity.
First John 3:3 says, "And every man that hath this hope
in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure", James 3:17
says, "But the wisdom that is from above is first pure...",
1 Timothy 1:5 says, "Now the end of the commandment is
charity out of a pure heart, and of good conscience, and of faith
unfeigned",
1 Timothy 3:9 says, "Holding the mystery of faith in a pure
conscience",
2 Corinthians 6:6 says, "By pureness, by knowledge, by
suffering, by kindness, by the Holy Ghost, by love unfeigned".
With all these verses, we can see that God demands his children to be pure. God only allows sexual relationships between husband and wife, he calls any sexual relationship outside the realm of marriage fornication and adultery. Pre-marital sexual relationships is one form of fornication, 2 Timothy 2:22 which says, "Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart". This is a warning against the uncontrolled passion and lust, which is very strong . The word "youthful" describes the intensity of the lust, lust is not exclusive to the youth., but its strength can easily throw us into sin.
I also would like to point out what true love is. True love
between mankind is based on the second greatest commandment,
which is to love your neighbour as yourself.
Romans 13:10 says, "Love worketh no ill to his neighbour...",
1 Corinthians 13:4-6 says, "Charity suffereth long, and is
kind; charity envieth not... Doth not behave itself unseemingly,
seeketh not her own; ...thinketh no evil".
So one of the manifestations of true love is we will not be so
selfish to drag the other party into sin. First Timothy 5:1, 2
says, "...entreat...the younger as sisters with all purity."
So we are to treat our sister in Christ with purity, and committ
sexual sin with her is not true love. Do not lose your purity,
and causes you Sister in Christ stumble. Keep your chastity.
Here are some recommendations about how to choose your mate, and remain pure during the courtship.
Never choose an unbeliever.
Never date anyone that tells you he or she has interest in God,
and he or she will go to church with you one of these days. Never
think you can bring someone to Christ by marriage. The life
foundations of believers and unbelievers are totally different;
one is on the rock, the other one is on the sand(Matthew 7:25ff).
You must set your priority right, God comes first, do not love
anyone more than you love God.
Second Corinthians 6:14ff says :"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God...Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you...". Here God compares the unbelievers as unrighteousness, darkness, Belial, infidel, idols, unclean thing; then God also compares the believers with righteousness, light, Christ, temple of God, my sons and my daughters. Christians and non-Christians have nothing in common.
When one accepts Christ as Savior, his spirit will be born-again, from a dead spirit into an eternally living spirit. For the rest of his life, the only thing for a Christian to do is to learn from Christ. He needs to study the Bible, to obey the Holy Spirit, to receive the teaching in the church and at home(if your parents are Christians) and find our his spiritual gifts to serve God. The God of the unsaved people is certainly the god of this world, the prince of the power of the air, the serpent, the Deceiver, the roaring lion, the Murderer; even though unsaved people can also be totally moral and kind.
Before the marriage, knowingly or unknowingly, the unsaved would comprise in many ways to please the saved party. However, after getting married, when there are stresses and demands in life, the Lord God will be kicked out of his life. You may end up in pain and tears for the rest of your life.
Never choose cult members.
Many cult members would claim themselves to be
Christians; yet they deny the deity of Christ. and they believe
in salvation by works. They are religious but lost. Do not have
anything to do with them, no matter how charming or appealing
they are. These cults include Roman Catholicism, Jehovah
Witnesses, Mormonism, Seven-day Adventist, Muslim, Buddhism and
some others. Unless you and your church have no problems with the
practice of Charismatic churches, I strongly recommend you to
stay away from them. Either you will be dragged into their errors,
or there will be a lot of conflicts.
Do not date anyone that you definitely will not
marry.
Many people date for recreational purposes, so that
they can meet more people, and have more fun. However, Christians
should treat dating with a very serious attitude - it is a matter
of meeting your future mate. Do not date with more than one
person at one time. One should seek God's will in selecting his
or her mate, and not dating different people, then seek his or
her own will.
Seek the advices from your parents.
Your parents do not have to be Christians to give
you sound advices. Family is an authority ordained by God, and
the father is the head of the family. Children are to honor and
obey their parents. If you think your parents are biased against
your possible date, go and talk to your pastor. Parents are not
to displease their children without a biblical rationale (Ephesians
6:4). Advice does not have to be delivered authoritatively,
parents should be someone that children can talk to.
Consult the pastor about your possible date.
Your parents should check with the pastor of your
possible date, regarding his or her testimony. This is can
greatly eliminate the possibility of marrying a rebellious
Christian. It takes maturity in spirituality and character in
both parties, to keep a good marriage. God will give you what you
desire.
Meet at church.
Do not fill up your dating activities with night
clubs, secular music concerts and movies. Meet at the church, the
church always needs workers. A group of young men and women can
work together to serve God, it is important to have some
supervision from the elders. One's characters and spiritual
maturity can be observed in these occasions.
Meet at home.
If your date takes the relationship seriously, he
should have the courage to come and meet your parents. During the
transition from the group-dating to the one-on-one kind of dating,
this is the first thing one must do. If he has no courage in
doing so, probably he is not someone that you would want to
depend your future on. If you are a male, ask to meet the parents
of your date; or phone them if they are not in the same
geographic area. Do not get impatient if they ask you questions,
they have every right to check you out. If they do not allow
their daughter to see you, so be it; you probably have certain
areas in your life that need to be improved.
Stay in public.
For the purpose of keeping your purity, always ask
for a chaperon from some family or church members, "neither
give place to the devil" (Ephesians 4:27). Do not step into
an empty house, if there are only two of you. Protect both of
your reputation, so to "abstain from all appearance of evil"
(1 Thessalonians 5:22). Avoid any opportunities that people can
point their finger at you, and dishouor our God. If your date
refuses to comply, explain to him why, and do not date the same
person again unless he agrees.
No physical contact at all. No holding hands, no hugging, no kissing AT ALL...
Why? Because what follows are:.. caressing, petting and sexual intercourse. God hates fornication. If you truly love her, then keep her chaste. It is not a matter of how much I can touch her and still not sin, but not to touch her at all. On the other hand, reject all physical advances from your date. This is also why a chaperone is required. Most of the pre-marital sexual sins happen in their family cars. Some parents want to give these young lovers some space by staying away, it is wrong. One can still have a lot of privacy by staying within the sight of the chaperone, whose responsibility is to intervene when the youngsters start to behave in an ungodly way. Supervision can be informal, relaxing and not irritable.
Plan your activities during your dating.
Do not sit there and make idle talks. Avoid
prolonged phone calls. Very soon, the idle talks becomes foolish
conversation (2 Timothy 2:16), and the movement of sin will have
its first chance. Do all things for the honor and glory of God,
think and talk spiritually. A well planned dating can be
profitable to God and to yourself. You can offer to decorate or
clean up the church together, do some visitations, do some
yardwork, so some table games, or even repaint her house.
Do not drop your guard even after engagement.
There is a higher risk of losing your purity after
engagement, because people think they are going to get married
anyway and drop their guard. Modern day engagements have very
little practical value, particularly the lengthy ones. Some want
to save money for an expensive wedding, or to go for a honey moon
in Caribbean Sea; so they become engaged first. We should know
the difference between necessities and desires. A lavish wedding
is not a necessity to the marriage itself, and the best place for
a honey moon is at home. At home one can give his mate the best
attention; and not to allow a whole bunch of unsaved people
acting up around them in a worldly manner. Modern day engagements
have nothing to do with the biblical espousal. This honey moon
business is much promoted by Hollywood, to entice people into a
wasteful, superficial, idol-worshipping and pleasure-seeking life
style.
If we believe it is God's will to put this couple together, then get married. Better get married than get burned and sinned against God. Many people put off their marriages by saying they do not have enough money to marry. But t really does not take a lot of money to get married and start a new family. It take some planning but no not let the financial factor hinder your marriage. There is a difference between need and desire.
Ask this question.
If you are a male, ask this question to yourself:
"Will I sacrifice my life to protect my wife if the time
comes?" If your answer is uncertain, do not get marry yet.
If you are a female, ask the same question to your possible
husband. This self-examination comes from Ephesians 5:25; which
says,"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved
the church, and gave himself for it". If you do not love her
enough to protect her even unto death, do not marry her: either
she is not the right person, or you are not prepared for the
responsibility yet.
Conclusion
A portion of this passage is taken from a booklet called "Be Pure", a very good booklet, concise, informative, and challenging indeed, written by a pastor of a fundamental church. His father is the deem and founder of a major bible university in the United States. The booklet was written in 1984. However, today this writer has fallen into the sin of fornication, he lost his purity, and the purity of another person. This is a very sad story. Purity is something which one has to strive to maintain, yet only takes a moment to lose. Body purity comes from purity inside, head knowledge does not keep one pure. We love God to an extent that we are joyfully to follow his doctrines, his reproof, his correction and instructions, this is what biblical purity is based on. Having this great love from God, we can also love our friends to the extent that we would not selfishly take advantage of them, but edify them instead. This is true love.
